Pot Luck Party, America!
Hi! Oh my God hi, I’m so glad you could make it to the party! First, I want to assure you that there is nothing to worry about. There is no cause for alarm and oh my god you brought a casserole! It’s so sweet that you read the instructions on the invite, I really appreciate that. I see that you wore sensible shoes too, oh that makes me so happy, though we should have no reason at all to run for our lives tonight. Thank you for coming!
Come on into the kitchen, I’m just going to find a serving spoon for your casserole. There we go. Now let’s just put this out right here next to Ahmed’s couscous. Yes, it is a big kitchen. Thank you yes, I love the tall windows too though It took forever to make them bullet-proof — which we did for no reason! Would you like a drink? We have all kinds of liquor, hokey little craft beers, ass-kickers like absinthe. Sure, let’s get you a nice cold Fat Tire Ale. Good choice, you know your stuff. Buy local, act global. You go girl!
Now this is the living room, which is right next to the dying room…dining room. Well anyway now that you’re here we’re all here. Claire, this is everybody, everybody, this is Claire, she’s new to the neighborhood and she’s white like teeth!
Let me introduce some of our guests. We’ve got a handful of city council members here, some musicians, some dancers, a few doctors, a handful of businessmen and entrepreneurs, some school teachers, some florists. We’ve got a few policemen, who are armed — I’m not mentioning that for any particular reason, just trying to be an interesting host. They brought the beer!
What’s that dear? Yes, most of these people are black. Cat’s out of the bag! We’ve got a zesty American Gumbo here: our guests are black, Muslim and/or Jewish and/or gay! That’s my husband over there. Which one? The black guy. Kidding! He’s the one with the AR-15 assault rifle draped so casually across his manly shoulders. I just adore devouring him after one of these parties. We figure things out at these parties dear. We expose things, issues, in the community and it’s so cathartic I just want to run naked through a rainstorm! Why is he carrying an AR-15 assault rifle? What a curious Claire you are!
Anyhoodle, let’s all raise our glasses in a toast to our new neighbor! Welcome!!!
Now that we’ve made you feel welcome, I have to tell you that we are all in grave danger. What’s fun without fear? We may have invited some white supremacists. Funny story. My husband had the marvelous idea to piss off the local white supremacists, then invite them over to our house where we’d set a trap for them. Well sweetie, pissing them off wasn’t difficult! He just drove over to their headquarters, handed them an embossed invitation, and promised we’d fill the place with all the people they hate.
So we thought wouldn’t it be fun to see just how these white supremacist motherfuckers would handle such an invitation! Would they decline the invitation, would they ignore it, would they show up without RSVP-ing? Would they come over with a homemade dish just like you did, and enjoy some cocktails in a civilized manner? Would they fire-bomb us or ruin our new paint job with swastikas? Or would they be capable of making small talk? So we have these dramatic questions which makes for a lively atmosphere! Ideally, they’ll show up, do something violent, and our police friends will arrest them! How great a party would that be? A party with justice! Cue the rain fall, I’m stripping down to my fun bits!
The only problem is, they have an army, like, a serious shit load of people. And they’re angry. And they’re armed. I’m going to go ahead and try your casserole while I still have the chance, dear. Oh my god it’s delicious!
No, don’t go! It’s going to be cathartic! Don’t be scared, we’re all here to protect each other, plus we’ve locked all the doors and our scout just texted us that they’re almost here. Everything’s fine but I wouldn’t go too close to the windows, sweetie. I love that blouse by the way. So glad you wore red.
Wow, what loud explosions! It’s like all the music that was ever recorded is playing at the same time! So much for the front window. Darling you might want to — yes, lie down and cover your head, that’s probably the best thing. Aren’t you glad you came? Isn’t this exciting? Don’t you feel alive? Oh I’m so glad the conflict is combusting the way conflict ought to! Hooray! I think my hubby just shot one of them! Yay, gun ownership! Yay responsible gun use! Oh, shootskie, the Johnsons just got shot. And the Rubensteins. And Charlie and Robbie. Pity. Did you try their chicken salad? Incredible. I think they use turmeric. But now they’re dead and I’ll never learn their recipe. So anyway this is our neighborhood! You can go, of course, through that gaping hole in the front window, but I do hope you’ll stick around long enough to try some of our fair trade coffee. Oh sweetie, I think my dress is on fire. Don’t think me rude, but I’d better change. Thank you so much for coming!
