My Suspicions as to Why My Work Has Been Rejected by Major Magazines

Seventeen: Turns out, the girl I wrote about only looked seventeen.

Field & Stream: Wrote about actress Sally Field’s stream of consciousness. Essay lost steam after the first three thousand words, but I was just telling the public what she told me after I asked her how she was.

Popular Mechanics: Article laid out some of my favorite interviews with the most popular local mechanics in my neighborhood; the part where Lou expresses the complicated psycho-sexual thoughts he has while working on slipping automatic transmissions may have lost the reader if it got as far as a reader.

Town & Country: The town I wrote about was Funky. The country I wrote about was Big. Could never cogently combine the bits into one article.

Budget Travel: Wrote about the best places around my neighborhood to travel, especially if you’re on the lookout for knockoff designer bags or actual meth.

Fortune: Long article, probably too long, about a fortune teller named Ruth who gave me my first blow job after prison.

Reader’s Digest: I underestimated the interest in my bowel movements after I read anything by Ian McEwan.

Playboy: My article described fifty of the nude women I had seen in the pages of…