Everyone wants to save a little money and not be killed when they buy antiques.

Photo by Samuel Ramos on Unsplash

Remember: Price Tags Are A Mere Invitation To Haggle

Shop owners want to haggle, they thrive on it, but beware: most antique shop owners are undercover operatives trained in Judo, Systema, Krav Maga, Kyokushinkai, Shotokan, Budjinkai, and Ju-jitsu.

Be Friendly

Every human interaction is more pleasant when you’re smiling, even if you’ve just insulted an antique shop owner’s pride by pointing out a flaw on a ceramic bowl and before you knew it he’s twisted your arm behind your back and thrust you into a 19th-century cabinet. Keep smiling and he might not dislocate your shoulder.

I Like It, But It’s Just Beyond My Budget

To sell this one, you have to make it look like your budget is really…


I’m in love with your bawdy

Illustration by Louis Sobol

Two Gentlemen of Verona

Valentine and Proteus discover that girls in Milan are hotter than girls in Verona.

Taming of the Shrew

Petruchio uses psycho-sexual mind games to make Katherina obedient. Do not try this at home.

Henry VI, part 2

Henry is King. He bones a penniless woman. He is no longer King.

Henry VI, part 3

Englishmen who all look the same try to kill whomever is King while hundreds of ravishing women just sit around.

Henry VI, part 1

Englishmen who all look the same fight the French until the French give Henry a hot wife.

Titus Andronicus

Less erotic than a hangover.

Richard III

Richard has no sex, becomes King and immediately gets killed.

The Comedy of Errors


I’m so torn because I love sewing

Photo by Tai's Captures on Unsplash

Guys, I can’t decide how to celebrate July 4th! Can you help me?

My Aunt Molly is having people over to help sew an exact replica of the United States flag that Betsy Ross made. Everyone’s going to wear period garb and eat period-appropriate food. But my cousin Raul is having people over for a raging kegger and pool party, where everyone’s going to wear flag bathing suits, and he’s going to have a live DJ. I’m so torn because I love sewing, history and keggers.

My Dad invited me over to his place to eat some hamburgers and hot…


You know what? I’m back to the ‘Song’ idea.

Illustration by Louis Sobol

Song of Something-Something

The piece feels like music, an intermingling of notes, the sound of a barefoot tapping in time. So, ‘Song’ of… something.

Song of Yourself

Catchy, but the second person is a difficult POV. Also, my poem is aggressively first-person. What else have I got?

Song of Someone Else

I like the mystery — the reader will wonder ‘who is this narrator?’ Will he guess it is myself? Will he read the poem aloud in the sun to his platonic close male friend and will they muse on who “Someone Else” could be, tonguing question after question? Maybe that’s too many questions. Keep thinking, Walt.

Song of That Guy I Met One Time

Gosh, what a…


An evening of domestic commands

Photo by Maru Lombardo on Unsplash

Sweep the foyer.

Decant the wine.

Defrost the sausage.

Squeeze the melons.

Spread the dough.

Finger the frosting.

Filet the fish.

Feed the cat.

Tenderize the lamb shanks.

Butter my buns and call me a biscuit.

Stuff me with meat and call me a taco.

Oh my heavens yes.

Heavens to Betsy.

Heat up the hot tub.

Mother lovin’ fudge.

Goodness gracious me.

Gosh be golly!!

For Pete’s sake!!!

I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!!!

Bend me over the Carrera marble kitchen island countertop.

Slam me into the Monark Sub-Zero refrigerator!

Crush me like sledge hammers through Home Depot drywall!!

Rattle…


HUMOR

I’m so sorry about sending that Michelle Obama book

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Father, last year I provoked you on Father’s Day by sending you Michelle Obama’s book Becoming. Once again, I’m sorry. This year, in the spirit of mending fences, I’ve spared no expense to give you gifts that speak to your interests:

Guns

I know how much you value guns, so I hope you enjoy this variety pack of pow-pows: a Ruger Security-Six revolver, a Shpagin PPSh-41 machine gun, a stylin’ Remington 870 pump-action shotgun and a powerful Kalashnikov AK-47. And I got you shiny bullets to go with all of them. You can see your loving reflection in each one.

Wild Game

Oh…


The play’s the thing, people!

Photo by Jessica Pamp on Unsplash

“Wyoming state senator Anthony Bouchard, a Republican trying to unseat US congresswoman Liz Cheney next year, revealed that he impregnated a 14-year-old girl when he was 18, describing the relationship as “like the Romeo and Juliet” story in a description that drew a rebuke from a sexual assault prevention group.” The Guardian 5.22.21

You’ve all heard stories like mine before: 18 year-old boy meets 14 year-old girl, boy pressures girl to have sex with him, boy gets girl pregnant…this is just like the story of Romeo and Juliet, almost exactly as Shakespeare intended it.

Sure…


The winner will earn the right to work their victory into every conversation

Photo by Johny Goerend on Unsplash

Welcome to the race that combines elitist wine knowledge with physical endurance and travel savvy. Eleven condescending wine experts will compete palette to palette in a series of grueling tests that will take them through the world’s four biggest wine-producing regions. I’m your host, Phil Keoghan.

The race begins in Alec Baldwin’s secret East Hampton wine cellar, where his 80 year-old personal Italian sommelier will hand our contestants a heavy five-page wine menu that they must memorize on the spot. …


You should always be positive.

Illustration by Louis Sobol

Abbott: This is going to be a fascinating conference.

Costello: I know, I can’t believe so many world-renowned health experts are under one roof.

Abbott: I’ve never been more excited to hear scientists talk.

Costello: Who’s on first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I’m asking you who’s on first.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: At the conference.

Abbott: WHO’s going first.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: You got it.

Costello: I don’t got it, that’s why I’m asking you.

Abbott: WHO.

Costello: Are you asking me?

Abbott: I’m telling you. WHO.

Costello: Are you positive?

Abbott: Oh no, I’m negative.

Costello: You’re…


…but first, let’s fire-up your metabolism

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Do you want something you don’t have? In a few minutes, I’m going to show you the one thing you need to get in order to have the thing you want.

Do you want to have a better body? I get it. I used to be like you: overweight, out of shape, difficult to look at. Now I’m a ripped, attractive man in his late twenties who has sex each morning with a different Tilted Kilt waitress. In this video, I’m going to show you the only exercise you’ll ever need to do to…

Christopher Shelley

Humor in Slackjaw, Little Old Lady Comedy, Points in Case, The Haven, Sex and Satire. Weddings: www.IlluminatingCeremonies.com

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store