First, write a short article The process for writing a long article and making money on Medium could not be simpler. First, set aside some time. If you’re a slow writer, set aside three or four weeks. If you are a fast writer, set aside three or four hours. …

Will being an anti-vaxxer help me meet girls? — Operator: Vaccination Prevention Hotline, how may I save you? Caller: You have to help me! I’m next in line to get a Covid vaccination. Should I go through with it? Operator: Sounds like you called just in time. …

I don’t have any Valentine’s Day gifts for you My love is like a red, red rose: bought five minutes ago at the corner bodega when I suddenly remembered that it’s Valentine’s Day. My love is also like a red, red stop sign, which saved me tonight because honestly, if…

A month of fitness and altruism — Day 1: 5 squats, call your mother. Day 2: 10 push-ups, compliment a stranger. Day 3: 25 jumping jacks, make dinner for your wife. Day 4: Rest day. Take a break and just do something for you: take a bubble bath, enjoy a robust Pinot Noir. Day 5: Back to…

Merry whatever, I’m not even sure we’ve met Dear Chad (Doorman Compelled To Make Small-talk), Merry Chri — humbug, I can’t even write the phrase with a straight face. Once again I’m forced to hand out these obligatory cards to you building staffers, the ones listed on the cheerful piece…

Comedy is a scientific mix of calamity and surprise — Students, why do we laugh? Is it because the ghosts of sitcom studio audiences are escaping through our mouths? Yes, that’s part of it, but we mostly laugh because of comedy. But what is comedy? Comedy comes from self-deprecation. Take it from me: it turns out a post-divorce pratfall from…

Perfect for couples trying to save money and/or wanted for murder in other countries. — The ‘Ultimate Ceremony’ Package A personalized wedding ceremony (plus full Love Story). Includes me writing and performing your ceremony, making your stodgiest grandmother cackle, advisement on rituals, processional and recessional planning, a rehearsal, unlimited revisions to the ceremony script, my signature on your marriage license, help with your vows, witty banter at cocktail hour…

Ask him to pass the potatoes in the same calm voice you used earlier to ask your brother-in-law to pass the cranberry sauce — The trick here is to ask in as casual a way as possible so that he only thinks you want him to pass you the potatoes, and not in a way that suggests that your crew is at that very moment breaking into his safe room to steal his original…

Greg’s family: you are still cordially invited! Dear Friends, Family, and Plus-Ones, I hope this wedding update finds you well. What a year! A year like no other, and not just because I’m getting married. As you know, Greg and I planned to get married on June 20, 2020, but…