You know what? I’m back to the ‘Song’ idea.

Illustration by Louis Sobol

Song of Something-Something

The piece feels like music, an intermingling of notes, the sound of a barefoot tapping in time. So, ‘Song’ of… something.

Song of Yourself

Catchy, but the second person is a difficult POV. Also, my poem is aggressively first-person. What else have I got?

Song of Someone Else

I like the mystery — the reader will wonder ‘who is this narrator?’ Will he guess it is myself? Will he read the poem aloud in the sun to his platonic close male friend and will they muse on who “Someone Else” could be, tonguing question after question? Maybe that’s too many questions. Keep thinking, Walt.

Song of That Guy I Met One Time

Gosh, what a…


An evening of domestic commands

Photo by Maru Lombardo on Unsplash

Sweep the foyer.

Decant the wine.

Defrost the sausage.

Squeeze the melons.

Spread the dough.

Finger the frosting.

Filet the fish.

Feed the cat.

Tenderize the lamb shanks.

Butter my buns and call me a biscuit.

Stuff me with meat and call me a taco.

Oh my heavens yes.

Heavens to Betsy.

Heat up the hot tub.

Mother lovin’ fudge.

Goodness gracious me.

Gosh be golly!!

For Pete’s sake!!!

I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!!!

Bend me over the Carrera marble kitchen island countertop.

Slam me into the Monark Sub-Zero refrigerator!

Crush me like sledge hammers through Home Depot drywall!!

Rattle…


HUMOR

I’m so sorry about sending that Michelle Obama book

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Father, last year I provoked you on Father’s Day by sending you Michelle Obama’s book Becoming. Once again, I’m sorry. This year, in the spirit of mending fences, I’ve spared no expense to give you gifts that speak to your interests:

Guns

I know how much you value guns, so I hope you enjoy this variety pack of pow-pows: a Ruger Security-Six revolver, a Shpagin PPSh-41 machine gun, a stylin’ Remington 870 pump-action shotgun and a powerful Kalashnikov AK-47. And I got you shiny bullets to go with all of them. You can see your loving reflection in each one.

Wild Game

Oh…


The play’s the thing, people!

Photo by Jessica Pamp on Unsplash

“Wyoming state senator Anthony Bouchard, a Republican trying to unseat US congresswoman Liz Cheney next year, revealed that he impregnated a 14-year-old girl when he was 18, describing the relationship as “like the Romeo and Juliet” story in a description that drew a rebuke from a sexual assault prevention group.” The Guardian 5.22.21

You’ve all heard stories like mine before: 18 year-old boy meets 14 year-old girl, boy pressures girl to have sex with him, boy gets girl pregnant…this is just like the story of Romeo and Juliet, almost exactly as Shakespeare intended it.

Sure…


The winner will earn the right to work their victory into every conversation

Photo by Johny Goerend on Unsplash

Welcome to the race that combines elitist wine knowledge with physical endurance and travel savvy. Eleven condescending wine experts will compete palette to palette in a series of grueling tests that will take them through the world’s four biggest wine-producing regions. I’m your host, Phil Keoghan.

The race begins in Alec Baldwin’s secret East Hampton wine cellar, where his 80 year-old personal Italian sommelier will hand our contestants a heavy five-page wine menu that they must memorize on the spot. …


You should always be positive.

Illustration by Louis Sobol

Abbott: This is going to be a fascinating conference.

Costello: I know, I can’t believe so many world-renowned health experts are under one roof.

Abbott: I’ve never been more excited to hear scientists talk.

Costello: Who’s on first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I’m asking you who’s on first.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: At the conference.

Abbott: WHO’s going first.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: You got it.

Costello: I don’t got it, that’s why I’m asking you.

Abbott: WHO.

Costello: Are you asking me?

Abbott: I’m telling you. WHO.

Costello: Are you positive?

Abbott: Oh no, I’m negative.

Costello: You’re…


…but first, let’s fire-up your metabolism

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Do you want something you don’t have? In a few minutes, I’m going to show you the one thing you need to get in order to have the thing you want.

Do you want to have a better body? I get it. I used to be like you: overweight, out of shape, difficult to look at. Now I’m a ripped, attractive man in his late twenties who has sex each morning with a different Tilted Kilt waitress. In this video, I’m going to show you the only exercise you’ll ever need to do to…


My tabby cat Meowranda Priestley would make a more convincing Meryl.

Illustration by Louis Sobol

By Mary Nepi and Christopher Shelley

Meryl would have shown us at least five-and-a-half emotions at war with each other; you’re only giving me two.

Could you try that again, this time like you grew up in New Jersey and have an MFA from Yale?

Since Meryl can memorize lines after looking at them once, here are ten additional pages of sides. You have thirty seconds.

You know that quality Meryl has of being likable yet mysterious yet mischievous yet charming yet complicated yet light yet serious yet funny yet omniscient? Show me that.

My tabby cat Meowranda Priestley would…


What if you weren’t playing your character?

Photo by Kenny Filiaert on Unsplash

by Mary Nepi & Christopher Shelley

Try that again — slower in pace, but faster in speed.

Are you comfortable with heights? You may or may not be suspended high above the audience for the entire show.

You’re still giving me something… I want you to give me absolutely nothing. Make me believe you do not exist.

Do the scene as if there’s a bird on your head, but it’s actually your mother trapped in a bird’s body, and she’s reminding you that you’ll never be good enough.

Your mother just called: she says you’re not good enough.

How do…


Mother Nature has a history of violent weather events

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

Ladies and gentlemen of the court, today we will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant, Mother Nature, is solely responsible for inciting the snowstorms that have killed at least 31 people and has left millions without power.

Mother Nature has even inflicted her wrath upon states that up to this point had only heard about snow in books or more likely movies, states like Texas and Alabama. Ladies and gentlemen, the people of these states can barely spell the word blizzard, let alone figure out how to continue driving…

Christopher Shelley

Humor in Slackjaw, Little Old Lady Comedy, Points in Case, The Haven, Sex and Satire. Weddings: www.IlluminatingCeremonies.com

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